Step into my mind

After Christmas

map0wt0fu — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 20:16:09 +0000

This Christmas ended with a strange realization. I don’t feel as well connected to my parents as I used to. We don’t get along as well and while we would do anything for each other, it feels more like obligation then actual love. I realized this as I laughed and partied with my cousins. I enjoyed myself more with my cousins then I have with my parents in a long time. I thought more about my friends in San Jose with loving memories then my parents. I figured out this is why I’ve been having so much trouble with my parents. We have both been forcing a loving relationship that we’re supposed to have. But I think it’s time to stop trying so hard and just let it sail where it will. I think that will work out.

Anywho, Merry After Christmas too all. I hope ya’ll had a great Christmas night filled with laughed, drink, and merriness. See you around.

-Marcus

Minecraft

map0wt0fu — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 06:40:33 +0000

For the past year my brother and I have been playing a sandbox indie game called minecraft. Sandbox means the world is very open, there is no story, no objectives, no directions. You are put in a blocky world and allowed to be creative. Over the year my brother and I have made several homes, semi-fortresses, and even a personal ski lodge connected by a floating railroad to our house. But perhaps the biggest joy I get isn’t from finishing a large project, but starting from scratch. Beginning fresh and re-exploring a whole new world. Today I happened upon an underground ravine, it was beautiful. I spent hours scaling the edges looking for materials and defending myself from skeleton archers and zombies. As I made my way to the bottom, I happened upon another ravine (though I don’t have pictures) and marveled at the geological formations. To date, I have a small dirt home with a little tree orchard, wheat, hemp and sugar cane farm. I’m in the process of building a new home and I think I’ll put up pictures when I have it all done. I hope you enjoy the two photos below, and in the future I will probably put up more, good night.

-Marcus

map0wt0fu — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 17:52:09 +0000

Why do you care so much for me?

Because you’ve always been there for me. For everything. It’s time someone was there for you.

*Is that what you wanted to say?*

Random Noise

map0wt0fu — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 07:05:18 +0000

*ring ring ring ring ring*

*pick up* Hello?

*sounds of crying*

Hello? Who is this?

*sounds of sobbing*

….******* is that you?

Yes *more crying*

What’s wrong?

My family, I hate them! *more crying*

Wait, why??

They don’t want me to marry you *sobbing*

Because I don’t have a green card?

Exactly…*sobbing trickles out*

But you know I don’t care about that?

I know, but they don’t care!

I don’t care that they don’t care, I love you.

I love you too, but I don’t know what to do.

Let’s get married.

What?

Let’s get married, today. I have a full tank of gas, a ring in my pocket. We’ll drive to Vegas and get married.

*returns to my reflection running on the treadmill*

Let’s Get a Crack-a-lackin

map0wt0fu — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 19:05:14 +0000

Since the nursing program started I’ve always felt like I wasn’t doing enough to pass these classes. The reason being I had no idea what to do, I didn’t know how to study for these classes, I’ve had to change how I take notes, I’ve had to change how I read the text, I’ve had to change how I think about learning all together. In orientation my teachers would tell us many of us would fail in our first round of exams. Hell, last semester the average for the first test in the skills lab was a 55% percent. I looked at this number and I figure, naaaaaaah, I totally got this. And now I’m hours away from taking that exact test and I’ve already scored 75% in the other classes and this one is not looking good either. The problem is I’ve been coasting on knowledge that I’ve learned long ago and was fortunate that every prerequisites was somehow tied to that old knowledge. The AP biology class in high school has basically been the backbone of my GPA these last two years. In those two years I basically just drew on that class to hold me over while still maintaining a respectable grade. But somewhere in the last summer my grasp on the knowledge has slipped and I feel like I’m back to square one.

In the past I could memorize information then let it slip away to “make room” for the new information. Here I can’t afford to do that, I need every bit of information from now till I retire from my career or change it altogether. Not to mention, I need all the information to pass each class cause they are interrelated to each other. If I don’t have a firm hold of the physiology I don’t understand the pharmacology. It’s like a very tricky balancing act of knowledge. If I understudy in one area, everything collapses. If I don’t understand one area, the dominoes fall.

I have two simple goals this semester, to pass all my nursing classes with an A/B average and get in better shape. If I can achieve both of them I will consider this semester one of my best ones at SJSU.

-Marcus

Memories

map0wt0fu — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 08:34:07 +0000

I remember this distinct moment of deja vu. It happened probably freshman year of college cause I was still running regularly then. I remember standing at the top of Montgomery Hill, listening to One Republic’s “Say”, thinking about someone, looking over the landscape, EVC, downtown SJ, the valley. I remembered looking over the mountains that have become a large part of my sense of home, feeling the wind wrap around my chest and flow between my arms, watching a bird soar overhead casting a large shadow in the ground, this lone tree to my right. I remember thinking, mediating, or maybe it was more like struggling. Struggling to get a grip on myself, to rediscover myself. I remember feeling very insecure, very lonely, a longing for something to fill the void. After that day, I remember experiencing the same thing again. On a completely different day, in a different place, but the feelings were the same. I wasn’t sure if the first memory was a dream, a fabrication of my overactive imagination. The rush of remembering was surreal and I then wasn’t even sure if the second time was the dream, or maybe they were both dreams. But does it really matter? I know I spent a lot of time on that hill to think and get a grip.

hehehe, I feel like I’ve done a deja vu post before too.

-Marcus

Rambling Brain

map0wt0fu — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 10:30:16 +0000

I’m a dead man.

There was a time I could remember walking aimlessly towards an end I hadn’t known I was seeking. It was a journey that I took with my eyes closed. I forgot my name, I forgot my purpose, I forgot my life. All I could remember was the blue skies and the clouds that I saw through my blind eyes.

I’m a dead man.

There was a time I could remember when I was falling. I had reached a height unknown, a glory unmatched, a victory so sweet. It was an accomplishment I took without lifting a finger. I felt the sun rays against my skin, I felt the wind blow through my hair, I felt the clouds slip through my toes. All I could remember was the warmth of a body that the soul tried to forget.

I’m a dead man.

There was a time I could remember being so fierce. I had slashed down countless enemies in my mind, rend flesh from bone and drank their blood to fuel my lust. In an armor of my victim’s skin I collected hearts in a jar and extracted their nectar.

I’m a dead man.

Sometimes I feel this way. I don’t feel like I really am myself anymore. Perhaps a dead man is to over exaggerated, but isn’t one of the precious few fun things in life being dramatic and over the top? Course I suppose it is an art to really be good at it and it does take a certain energy to really bring it to life. Still, life certainly becomes that much more interesting when you look at it slightly different. A little out of my mind, a little crooked, a little strangely.

Listening to rap I look around my room. There are few pictures, there is only one picture of my friends, and there’s only one friend in it. I see my middle school and elementary school pictures and think about the girls I had crushes on. I look to my yellow walls and think, damn I made a good choice with this color. I look at my orange sheets and think it’s like sleeping on orange taffy or something ridiculous. I look at the rings I made in class. The little container of Christmas goodies. Two monkeys from one person, you’re funny. A book I need to return. A memento from a beach trip. A petrified piece of wood (best present ever, it’s a freaking rock hahahahaha). SJSU on folders and nursing books, ahhh school. Why does school suck hahaha. A godzilla domo.

ramble ramble.

What’s the point?

I’ve lived in this room for 11 years or something. It really reflects my personality and my past. A living time capsule. Most interesting indeed.

3:30. I have class at 9:30. I need to get up at 8:00 and eat a good breakfast. After class go to the gym and get my body back up to shape. hmmmm I wonder where this mind will take me in the next few years.

-Marcus