You know, these last few weeks have been very trying. Well honestly most holidays are. I suppose that’s what happens when you’re disappointed again and again, you become cynical. But this one wasn’t so biting, wasn’t so bad. If anything, it might be just the change I wanted to see.

Usually this time of Thanksgiving I’m upstairs sulking as my parents argue downstairs. Arguing about my father being laid off or fucking up the turkey or maybe we have family over so that’ll all come after the guest leaves. But not this time. This time there was just us, immediate family. My gut usually tightens at the thought of just us four together. I have to steel my little heart against more disappointment, sharpen my mental blades so I stab holes in their arguments, and then sow seeds of hope in my little brother. But not this time. This time my father still has a job, the turkey turned out well, and the extended family is nowhere near and my parents are just chillin. Watching some Chinese movie on the couch acting like a loving wife and husband should, well as loving as two can be after 25+ years of tumultuous matrimony. But for once in a series of fucked up Thanksgiving I can sit here and thing about what I’m grateful for.

It goes without saying I’ve very grateful to my friends, several of whom have been closer to my heart then either of my parents will be. They listen to my bitter complaints without really knowing whats going on. I know I’m the most open person about my family problems, but you know, it takes special people to just sit with a dissatisfied me and then still be okay with it. While I would like to sit here and write all the praise I have for my close friends, I can’t forget about my new friends. My new life. I was sending messages out to wish people happy thanksgiving and one of my friends comes back to say “Happy Thanksgiving to you too man! You got into the ICU and you picked up a great Little. Lots to be thankful for!”. That message gave me pause. As much as I love my old friends, they just don’t know my life now as well as the new people. So heres to the new people in my life that make my college experience that much more bearable. The APO people, the nursing people and all the gym people.

It’s funny when I think back the past four years of college. I spent so much time being unhappy and dissatisfied with my college life that I never could see a good thing when it was right in front of me. But this past semester has really been a good change of pace. I liked it, I really enjoyed it. I wish I had more time to do the things I did this semester. There is still a few more weeks left, but most of that time will be devoured by examinations and final projects. But there will be parties. I do very much look forwards to all the parties.

Maybe this Christmas won’t be so bad either, cheers to cautious optimism!

-Marcus

I should sleep. I have to be up at 5 to make a my trip to Stanford’s medical psych unit but yeah.

I’ve been given a Little. It’s a strange feeling to have a Little now. Someone who will look up to me, come to me for advice, for support, for whatever. Of course I would normally do this for my friends and brother, but it is so strange to suddenly have that kind of relationship with someone new. The years I spent cultivating friendships to be privileged to their inner minds I can, in a way, bypass because of the Big-Little program. Of course I expect a warm-up period, but yeah it is just a strange feeling. Regardless, I am excited to formally meet my Little this coming Saturday.

In a side note, I’ve switched to more dumbbell exercises. So now I’m doing dumbbell bench and overhead instead of using the bar. Haven’t really notice any differences yet, buuut it is too early to tell. So my goals for DB bench will be 60lb dumbbells and for DB overhead press will be 45lbs. In terms of squat, I think I’ve figured out another piece of the puzzle. Monday was a good squat day. I did 185 lbs 3×6 times with minimal lower back pressure. I’ll probably stick at this weight and reps till I have my form 100% figured out. A fellow weightlifter at the gym suggested I switch to high bar squats instead of low bar to take the strain off my lower back. I have to say, that switch made a huge difference. So maybe I can hit 200lbs before the semester is over, 225lbs would be a stretch, but you know what? I’m feeling optimistic. Let’s see what we can do about it.

-Marcus

It has been a while since I’ve posted here. So much has and hasn’t happened in the last year I felt like maybe it was time to come back and revisit.

This is the last year of college for me so I wanted to make the best of it. I’ve gone back to APO and this semester I’ll be trying to pick up a little. It was part guilt of being a potential line killer and part urge to mentor someone. This last year has been a lot of trial and error in terms of exercise, study habits, sleep schedules, career planning, socializing and what have you. I think compared to a year ago I’m in a much happier state of my life. I’ll have my BSN and hopefully my RN soon after. Then working part time somewhere in the country making a solid 30k a year and finally getting out of my house. But anyways, I felt like I wanted to pass on my experiences to another person and hopefully they can take my hard earned lessons and make something better of them.

Man, I had so many thoughts about what to write here and now my words escape me. I guess we’ll go with goals.

My goals this semester are to boost my GPA. I recently checked my major GPA and its only a 2.71. I know for some people that is pretty good, but lets be real for a second here, I’m not just some people hahahaha. Man, I hope to score an A in at least one theory class considering this semester is going to be “easy” and hopefully that will set me up for something good next semester. Another goal is to improve my physical fitness level. Last year I spent most of my time lifting weights. I got to a decent weight with 225lbs for deadlift and 200 lbs squats, but in light of a low back injury, I’ll probably not be hitting those weights soon (sad days). This semester I want to strengthen my upper body to keep up with my lower body. So my goals are to dumbbell bench press 150lbs, over head press 100lbs, barbell row 150lbs (maybe, might switch to dumbbell rows), and do three sets of 10 pull-up (1 muscle up would be icing on the cake). In terms of cardio I’ve been swimming a lot of Fridays. Doing 30 laps in the pool which turned out to be 1.8 miles and I do that in about 45 ish minutes. My goal is to do it faster. I don’t know how much faster, but just faster in general. I should also get back into some kind of land aerobic exercise. I went for a short jog not too long ago and I felt like a fish outta water hahaha. Either sprints of short distance jogging, but we’ll see how that goes. 

So that’s that. I’ll be back to put on posts here and there. So stick around, I’m back 🙂

-Marcus

I’ve decided to stop using this WordPress. Lately there had been so much negativity on this blog. It seems like every post I have up here is about the unsatisfaction I feel in my life and there is no longer any interest in documenting them. So that’s that, good-bye WordPress and everyone who sat there and read through my posts.
Onwards to new adventures,

-Marcus

Reading through my old posts I’ve realized I’m still the same old me.

Nothing has really changed at all.

I keep replaying those few second in my mind. Slamming the door over and over and over and over. Yelling at them to stop fighting so loudly it felt like the house shook. So much frustration, so much rage, pure white blinding rage exploding in a few seconds. Afterwards everything was quiet, but the devastation remains and now its time to clean up the mess.

I keep thinking why didn’t I just destroy everything. Its what I’ve secretly desired for years now, what stopped me.

There are many things I want to talk about here. Ideas, fantasies, updates, lots of things, but every time I start a new post my mind blocks up. The images and sentences I put together in my mind don’t make it to my finger tips. I’m not sure if its cause I can’t keep my ideas organized but it has given me an interesting perspective on something. Pretty sure it was W.E.B Du Bois who said in his book “The Souls of Black Folk” that ignorance is a wall-less and chainless prison. Course it was also said that ignorance is bliss and in the same token I’ve learned a bit about that as well this summer. But perhaps this is a problem of meaning and ignorance in one doesn’t mean the same in the other. Some food for thought on another night, tonight I had something different in mind.

A close friend recently lost her father. I took her to the hospital to see her dad before it was decided to take him off life support. At the time I debated on whether or not to stay and decided not to, I didn’t want to intrude. The day before I also took her to the hospital to see her father in the ICU. It was pretty bad, he was in pretty bad condition but you know, you hope for the best. When I found out his liver was failing, I already knew his time was soon, but you still hope for a miracle. Its interesting to think about her father’s death. I actually never really liked him all that much. In my mind he was mean, to say the least. But as I walked away from the ICU know he was going to die, I couldn’t think of anything bad to say about him. How could I judge him now? But I digress. This event has made me think a lot about my own dad. I really used to hate him, I used to wish he just up and died somewhere. He made my childhood very hmmm…grim. Course now, looking back at it from my 21 year old brain it was still very grim but he tried his best with whatever he thought was right. Looking back on a lot of things, I realized I’m seeing a lot of different things in a different light. Anyways, I think this is it for tonight. Time to hit the sack, soonish.

-Marcus

 

 

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